Self-Work. Self-Worth

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Seek the Lord, that you might live. Amos 5:6

“I believe the answer has to do with brokenness. If you believe you are broken, you’ll accept whatever solution is necessary in order to be fixed.”¹ Brokenness: something that this world and us individually deal with on a regular basis. We can be broken by situations in our lives, words from other people and just the challenges we are faced with everyday. It’s hard living in this world. Everywhere you look you are being told you need this or that. You need this makeup and diet pill to look like her. You need this brand of protein to have muscles like him. Society tries to tell us what we need to fix the problems we may or may not have. Society gives us temporary fixes for our brokenness, but these fixes don’t last. God is the only one who can fix our brokenness. This took me awhile to realize, for years I was so caught up on my past and who I was that I fell for the temporary fixes. Now, I am about to get real here for a bit, some of these things are hard to talk about for me and believe me, I am not proud of who I was those years ago, but since then, I have grown and would not be who I am today without going through that phase.

During high school, I had a great group of friends, a wonderful youth minister and my whole life in front of me. I had a boyfriend, the perfect one…or so I thought. We made plans for the future and I literally invested my whole life and emotions into this relationship. I would constantly make plans around him and only think about him and our future. All in all, I really didn’t know who I was. I only knew myself as his girlfriend. Looking back, it was a doomed relationship. We went to church but never really talked about God or how we felt about certain issues. We both decided no sex before marriage but other than that we never really talked about the real issues in life. He told me I was funny, pretty, not the prettiest person, but good enough for him. I was so emotionally invested that I didn’t notice the red flags. I spent a lot of time talking to my youth minister about relationships and asking him for advice during this time as well. He gave me a lot of advice that I did not take. But now looking back, I am so grateful to have had him in my life. Fast forward to the first month of college, I was still dating my boyfriend, but things were definitely changing. He wasn’t spending as much time with me or talking to me,  and he wasn’t there for me during my rough transition to college. I just assumed it was because of school and everything being new. Well, we hit our 3 years together, had a great date, then he dumped me. My world literally fell apart. I didn’t know who I was, let alone who God was or where my relationship with him stood. All of my insecurities also started to come out one by one. Being a runner since 7th grade and through college, I was never worried about my body image. But all of a sudden, I felt fat and ugly. I didn’t have someone telling me or staying with me that thought I was good enough. I felt my whole life shatter and I was left with pieces of nothing. I began to realize how awful I had been the last few years, to friends to family and to God. My life had become a mess in the matter of minutes…but honestly it took all three of those years to get where I was. I was broken, and I was hurt, I blamed God for this but looking back, it wasn’t his fault; it was mine for not choosing him. After he broke up with me, I we left to pick up the pieces of my life and figure out where to go from here.

This is when my journey with self-work and self-worth began. At first, I fell into the trap that many do when they don’t know how to fix their brokenness.

I turned to the wrong fixes for my brokenness. I drank way too much on the weekends, was spending way too much time on social media, obsessing over guys I found cute, spending way too much money on material items and just ignoring the pain this loss brought me every day. I wanted to pretend nothing happened and just keep things the same. My relationship with God suffered for a while, I still went to church and prayed but ultimately blamed him for everything that happened. It took a long time for me to realize that God gives and God takes away for a reason. He takes people out of our lives for us to grow and become the people we are meant to be. So let’s fast forward a couple years, I’m transferred to Heidelberg. This also meant new boys for me and a totally different college experience compared to Bluffton. I found new friends who had strong relationships with Christ, I was embracing my Catholic faith again, going to bible study but still falling for the world’s fixes. My relationship with God was growing and God was placing the right people in my life at the right time. But I still sought the normal college party scene and let my faith take the back burner. I posted selfies all the time hoping it would spark someone’s interest, I would go out and wear clothing that now I would never want to be seen in (mom if you are reading this everything that’s supposed to be covered was covered at all times). I just didn’t care about modesty or anything. I just wanted to be like all the other girls who were in “perfect” relationships. Looking back now, I was looking for love in all of the wrong places. My life consisted of running, school, work, friends and then my faith when it was convenient. I went to church every weekend but that was it. During my last semester of college, so last year, I really began to dive back into my faith. I was beginning to realize I needed to make a change but didn’t fully take the step until July this year. After graduating college, finding a job and checking off all of the items off of the “adult” checklist besides the boyfriend part, I began to wonder who I am. Who is Megan Rose Lefeld? What do people think about when they hear my name? Is it good or is it bad based on who I used to be? This is when I began to realize that I needed to start working becoming a better me.

Self-work. We all hear about it but what does it look like to you? For me, it is something that takes time. This past summer I decided I was going to put myself first and work on me, but I had to convince myself that I wasn’t being selfish.  It is ok to take time to work on you, to take time away from people and certain things, you are important, how you feel about you is important. Usually during the summer, I start off on a crazy diet that I don’t even follow for a day and workout a ton. I try to make myself better by improving my outward appearance, but this year I decided to work on the inside. God had been pushing me to start a blog for a few years now, but I never took initiative until July. I wrote my first blog post about embracing the season of singleness. The responses I received were amazing, I really didn’t think people would read it but I had several people reach out and I decided to continue. God continued to help me come up with topics but also lead me to some pretty great people along the way.

With being a runner, I always look for new races. I found the Minster Mile this past summer and decided I’d give it a shot. My cousin Emily and I ran it together and we had so much fun. However, God had bigger plans in this, for him, it was more than just me running a race. Around this time I also stumbled across a new, small, local business called Made For More. I was like ok , cool love the logo, I’ll go check it out. Little did I know, this curiosity would lead me to great things. Made for More is a business that means more than just any other clothing brand company. They donate a portion of their sales to local charities, like how cool is that! Their main goal is to reach as many people as they can with the message that we are all made for more. The little things we do in life do make a difference and we should all be aware of this. They want their brand to be an exterior representation of what is going on inside of us. How awesome is this?

After following Made for More for a while, I began to realize how great it is to find a business that represents your faith and similar interests in this crazy world we live in. Also, because I followed MFM, I was suggested by Instagram to follow other accounts. This is where I found Blessed is She. I now receive daily devotions from BIS, I lead a women’s bible study with a BIS guide and I find myself having more meaningful conversations and relationships with those around me. My faith has grown so much the past few months because I had the nudge to go look at a random account.

I recently read The Other Side of Beauty by Leah Darrow, which every woman should read, and the message in the book was loud and clear that we are made for more. Crazy how God speaks to us right? I spent years not knowing why I was here or what my purpose was and he has literally revealed it in the least subtle ways! Anyway, Leah talks about how we are more than our insecurities and more than what society tells us. The book is so hard to describe without writing another 3 pages, so my suggestion to you is to go to the library and rent it. Right now. My life has changed drastically from the help of Leah Darrow, Blessed is She and Made for More. I’ve realized that I am more than my worries, anxieties and insecurities. You are more than your own failures, heartaches and past. We are all made for more than this world and made for more than this world has to offer us. There are going to be hard times. There will be times you fall behind but God is always there for you, welcoming you with open arms. We need to be authentic and true to who God made us. Always remember that you are loved, you are enough,  you are beautiful, and that you are made for more.

I will hope in him. Lamentations 3:24

 

  1. The Other Side of Beauty by Leah Darrow

Made for More:  https://madeformoreapparelandmore.com/ 

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