Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you Jeremiah 1:5
Hey all! It’s been awhile! My life has been absolutely crazy with work and attempting to stay healthy. This time of year is nuts at the Y. There are a lot of new people who are trying to stick to their New Year’s resolutions on top of the regulars. My programs have so many kids signed up and I barely have enough people to help run them. YEP, I’ve been getting pretty stressed out. My resolutions for the New Year also have been slipping. I made note cards for each month with my faith goals, it has helped, but I still wish I could be doing more. Which is probably why I am stressed! I constantly feel like I need to be doing more and that what I am doing right now is not good enough. If anyone else feels like this, you know it can get very tiring and make you very anxious for the future.
Last week was a terrible week for me. I had terrible anxiety for the first part of the week which resulted from me thinking too far into the future. Sometimes I feel as if I am stuck where I am, like I will forever feel the way I feel in this moment. When you think about forever, it can be pretty overwhelming. I started Talks with Meg on my Instagram, and shared that I used to use worldly fixes for my anxieties. I used to go shopping, drink until I was drunk and watch mind numbing movies just to take away some of the worry. Which of course, none of these “solutions” ever helped me, they always made things worse…go figure! However, this past week, I took a different approach. I decided it was time to surrender it all to God.
Surrender it all to God. These words kept running through my head as I felt my chest getting tighter and it getting harder to breathe. I knew what was happening, even though it literally had been almost a year since I had a minor anxiety attack. All of the situations in my life seemed to explode at once. Work hasn’t been the most pleasant, I never know what the mood of my co-workers will be, I can never relax because I am on call 24-7, I have way too many kids signed up for things and not enough instructors, I decided to coach middle school track and have a crazy schedule come March, I’m not sure what is happening with this boy that seems to be interested but maybe he is not but maybe he is but isn’t, I don’t have the courage to ask him because I just don’t know, helping my friends with situations and my raise was not anywhere near to what I expected. All of these little situations seemed to explode. Now, if each situation would have occurred in different months or even weeks, it wouldn’t have seemed so bad. I know to you these things may not seem awful but to me, a chronic worrier(self diagnosed), it seemed hopeless. A lot of solutions crossed my mind, the main one being drinking. I was going to go home, get drunk and just numb the pain for awhile. But, I kept hearing, surrender it all to him. So I did, I gave it to God. And………I still felt the same way, but also had some hope back. Things didn’t drastically change in that instant, but I did feel better. Later that night, I was able to relax and talk over the day with my roommate. She laid it all out for me and we discussed why I felt the way I did about certain situations. After our talk, I felt so much better. All of the situations still seemed overwhelming, but with God and someone to talk to, there was a renewed hope.
Now as the week went on, things went a lot better. More of my employees volunteered to help, I had more help from co-workers and I sat down and sorted out some of the situations myself. As far as the boy goes, I still have not said anything…which is crazy because men like him don’t come around that often…but you know God is working it out..if it is his plan.
His plan. This is something that is very hard for me to see, but I know that through this hard time, he was shaping me for his plan. I have a tendency to want to control my life and do things for me, not him. I want what I want, what helps me out and what makes ME comfortable. What does God want for me? What does his plane involve? Is my decision based on what I want or what God wants? This is something I’ve been working on this year, but last Tuesday really put it into perspective. I didn’t want all those anxieties to come up at once but they did, I gave it to God and we handled it. It wasn’t fun, it wasn’t something I wanted to happen but I gave it up to him and now feel closer to him. As I said, nothing drastically changed, but I knew God was with me. He wouldn’t let me do this alone, and this was something I needed to realize. He is with me, he is good, through the pain and suffering, he is still good. Often when I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom I turn to 1 Corinthians 10:13. It goes: “No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it.” How comforting is that? All the trials we face in this world only pertain to this world. As I’ve said many times before, we are made for more than this world. We go through these trials because we are human and we are not perfect but no trial occurs without reason. It’s hard to see at times why we must go through what we do, but it is all about God’s unique plan for each of us. God also would never put us through something he knows we could not handle. Remember that. He will never give you more than you can handle, even if you feel like you are going to lose your sanity. This is something I need to remember more often. Many times I feel stuck and hopeless, but God is with me and would never give me more than I can handle without giving me other options. I have other options, but chose not to see them or wait for him to reveal them to me. Patience is not a virtue of mine, it’s something I’m working on, but it has always hard for me. Looking at my life and how things have gone in the past, I know for sure he is helping me with it. He has been teaching me patience, through the waiting and the trials I’m learning patience and I’m growing my relationship with him. My life isn’t perfect and it never will be, but I strive everyday to lead a holier life. I want to be a saint, I want my life to reflect Jesus. I don’t care if I’m not remembered for the career I had or the things I had, but if people remember me as someone who loved the Lord with all of her heart, that is enough for me. My identity in Christ is enough for me. I don’t need more material items, I don’t need the praise of the world, I just need Jesus. So I invite you to take a look at your life, are you living for Jesus or the world? Does your life look like you love Jesus or would people have to guess? The world we live in today can be so judgmental, I encourage you to live your faith no matter what your family and friends may say. All we truly need is Jesus and he invites us to get to know him more everyday.
The Mighty one has done great things for me, and holy is his name Luke 1:49